Skip to main content

Heartless...loveless?

It's a painful push when a friend, in a personal moment of pain, decries you as heartless because "you're cold...you've never known love"...man, did that hurt...now I'm not sure whether he was just being pissy, or perhaps therein lies a kernel of something that comes too close to the truth, perhaps?
And strangely enough, to me at least, the sentiment has been echoed with increased frequency among those who know me well... and perhaps love me best.. detached, they say.... certainly more than before... why then are you so cold these days?... followed by a, "it’s not that bad, this detached person who observes from afar"...and as I’ve discussed with a dear friend... one observes from strangely disembodied states... watching yourself as you go through the act of doing, reacting, living...
a while ago I seemed to see this coming... my blogs from a year ago are strangely portentous... detachment, I wrote, is great until it is not... have I now reached that exalted state? You don’t know love, says my annoyed friend...perhaps this is true... but I did know love... all consuming and selfish that took from me my time and self... leaving nothing in its wake except me... gasping for air, for sunshine, for confidence, for love...In renouncing it and all it stood for perhaps I've lost something irreparably...so I stay whole with just a little bit missing...does it matter so much?
So whence and wherefore shall I go from here? Rewind and reflect and let the feelings in again... open myself to hurt and the hope therefore... or guard against that which can heal and yet destroy... perhaps requires a courage I don’t have or am yet to discover... perhaps I need to find it through someone else... perhaps I should fall in love again?... It’s too hard is all I know and staying distant is easier than getting close... and perhaps this is fine provided I save what I have for those I love best...in discriminating in my loving I shall strive to lose the distance perhaps... but what about letting myself be loved?

Popular posts from this blog

Get off my breast!!

No, it isn't a continuation of the theme that darling Sissy started ... it's just a response to an article I read on CNN... and ad nauseam on every parenting site, health site, news site, TV ... the list goes on. The current objects of my fury are called apparently "lactivists"... an "empowering" term for annoying people who like to shove their superiority as breast-feeding mothers in everyone's face!!! No, I'm all for it... if you can do it go for it... it's functional, free and most sanitary and billions of people have flourished doing the thing... most intelligent cultures (which automatically excludes all white, caucasian cultures) have recognized this for eons and it's just fine. These sensible cultures aso have had the benefit of being poor and recognize that a full belly is the prerequisite and not what an aging hyper protective mother thinks is a baby's birthright!!!! So what evolved was a commonsense approach to feeding a child.....
4 comments
Read more

Blessed to write

I spent some time tonight going through blogs and thinking about stuff...I've spent a few years locking myself away and have grieved only one thing the most..the loss of my words...a comment on another blog left me grateful and humbled...when the mind finds a way to read, to write, to paint to dance to sing, it's a gift that ought not to be taken lightly. I spent a joyous half hour with my daughter tonight ostensibly helping her write a speech...what it helped was to free me from self-imposed cages of the mind. It's a hard habit to break when one pretends one does not need to write. especially when it is the one thing one cherishes the most...so I shall see how long my gratefulness and humility last...how long I can put pen to paper and try to write...not to publish nor be read but for windows to the soul and for the soul...a voice that begs to be heard apart from the recesses of one's brain....so write I shall till I can...for it makes me whole again...
2 comments
Read more

On hiatus and back

Wagging Away It's been a while since I wrote in my blog... since then, Warren Buffett couldn't bear being second-best and in a grand show two billionaires are betting that philanthropy is the next big thing... I love it... Wish there were more billionaires who felt that "dynastic wealth" is a terrible thing and that rich people's kids should have enough money to do anything but not enough to do nothing... beautiful sentiment if ever there was one!!! Billionaires apart...my audience of one (ahem! you know who you are) has put forth a suggestion: a weekly update on charming antics of a baby soon to be human being!!! And of course since he calls her "poo" this series is entitled "The adventures of D- Poo!!" The protagonist will do nothing from morn till night except wreak general havoc, be cute when you're ready to wring her neck and generally be a normal 2-year-old although in my fond moments I have her conducting the London Philharmonic... I...
3 comments
Read more