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Heartless...loveless?

It's a painful push when a friend, in a personal moment of pain, decries you as heartless because "you're cold...you've never known love"...man, did that hurt...now I'm not sure whether he was just being pissy, or perhaps therein lies a kernel of something that comes too close to the truth, perhaps?
And strangely enough, to me at least, the sentiment has been echoed with increased frequency among those who know me well... and perhaps love me best.. detached, they say.... certainly more than before... why then are you so cold these days?... followed by a, "it’s not that bad, this detached person who observes from afar"...and as I’ve discussed with a dear friend... one observes from strangely disembodied states... watching yourself as you go through the act of doing, reacting, living...
a while ago I seemed to see this coming... my blogs from a year ago are strangely portentous... detachment, I wrote, is great until it is not... have I now reached that exalted state? You don’t know love, says my annoyed friend...perhaps this is true... but I did know love... all consuming and selfish that took from me my time and self... leaving nothing in its wake except me... gasping for air, for sunshine, for confidence, for love...In renouncing it and all it stood for perhaps I've lost something irreparably...so I stay whole with just a little bit missing...does it matter so much?
So whence and wherefore shall I go from here? Rewind and reflect and let the feelings in again... open myself to hurt and the hope therefore... or guard against that which can heal and yet destroy... perhaps requires a courage I don’t have or am yet to discover... perhaps I need to find it through someone else... perhaps I should fall in love again?... It’s too hard is all I know and staying distant is easier than getting close... and perhaps this is fine provided I save what I have for those I love best...in discriminating in my loving I shall strive to lose the distance perhaps... but what about letting myself be loved?

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