Skip to main content

Heartless...loveless?

It's a painful push when a friend, in a personal moment of pain, decries you as heartless because "you're cold...you've never known love"...man, did that hurt...now I'm not sure whether he was just being pissy, or perhaps therein lies a kernel of something that comes too close to the truth, perhaps?
And strangely enough, to me at least, the sentiment has been echoed with increased frequency among those who know me well... and perhaps love me best.. detached, they say.... certainly more than before... why then are you so cold these days?... followed by a, "it’s not that bad, this detached person who observes from afar"...and as I’ve discussed with a dear friend... one observes from strangely disembodied states... watching yourself as you go through the act of doing, reacting, living...
a while ago I seemed to see this coming... my blogs from a year ago are strangely portentous... detachment, I wrote, is great until it is not... have I now reached that exalted state? You don’t know love, says my annoyed friend...perhaps this is true... but I did know love... all consuming and selfish that took from me my time and self... leaving nothing in its wake except me... gasping for air, for sunshine, for confidence, for love...In renouncing it and all it stood for perhaps I've lost something irreparably...so I stay whole with just a little bit missing...does it matter so much?
So whence and wherefore shall I go from here? Rewind and reflect and let the feelings in again... open myself to hurt and the hope therefore... or guard against that which can heal and yet destroy... perhaps requires a courage I don’t have or am yet to discover... perhaps I need to find it through someone else... perhaps I should fall in love again?... It’s too hard is all I know and staying distant is easier than getting close... and perhaps this is fine provided I save what I have for those I love best...in discriminating in my loving I shall strive to lose the distance perhaps... but what about letting myself be loved?

Popular posts from this blog

Of pigeons

All dressed in gray, with a touch of black and white, The mighty pigeon heads home tonight! Why, if I had only the right, I would give them such a fight. A peskier bird you would be hard pressed to find, Annoying and fit to drive me out of my mind! Pigeon poop as sticky as glue, I hate the pigeons, I tell you I do. Pigeons, oh God! the dreadful pigeons, they do talk at you, Gurgle-gurgle...would it be so hard to coo? Many a time the nonsense they spout, Makes you want to chase them out! Flapping their wings, all a-flutter, They do houses clutter, While annoying the poor housewife, Driving her to madness, within an inch of her life! So, dear friends, I beg of you, When a pigeon you find, Chase the feathered menace away, Before you do lose your mind! P.S. This was from a long while ago... And now I know the answer to the pigeon riddle, I hide myself away and don't give a fiddle!
Post a Comment
Read more

Blessed to write

I spent some time tonight going through blogs and thinking about stuff...I've spent a few years locking myself away and have grieved only one thing the most..the loss of my words...a comment on another blog left me grateful and humbled...when the mind finds a way to read, to write, to paint to dance to sing, it's a gift that ought not to be taken lightly. I spent a joyous half hour with my daughter tonight ostensibly helping her write a speech...what it helped was to free me from self-imposed cages of the mind. It's a hard habit to break when one pretends one does not need to write. especially when it is the one thing one cherishes the most...so I shall see how long my gratefulness and humility last...how long I can put pen to paper and try to write...not to publish nor be read but for windows to the soul and for the soul...a voice that begs to be heard apart from the recesses of one's brain....so write I shall till I can...for it makes me whole again...
2 comments
Read more

Tears

Funny thing they are, tears...for when you're happy and when you're sad... always there and only missed when they don't flow. For over two years now, I've not cried...at least not much and never for myself...I've felt no grief no anger no feeling... when they came I would look away and try not to cry...a weakness, a foolishness... except, the dam... it's broken... or certainly sprung a leak...uncomfortable...little dribbles at happiness, in full flow at grief, a wobbly smile at an emotional movie, sorrow at memories...I cry for love, for the lack of it..I cry for songs and for battlesongs...I cry for symbols of hope, for lost souls...I cry for myself...as I am for who I was and for what will come...I cry for what I want, what I have...I cry because I am loved and I cry because I want to love and yet cannot...I cry as I write, I cry as I think...I am brave and yet I am not...cowardly and yet not...soldier I am and victim the same...words that want to come but w...
Post a Comment
Read more