Tears

Funny thing they are, tears...for when you're happy and when you're sad... always there and only missed when they don't flow. For over two years now, I've not cried...at least not much and never for myself...I've felt no grief no anger no feeling... when they came I would look away and try not to cry...a weakness, a foolishness...
except, the dam... it's broken... or certainly sprung a leak...uncomfortable...little dribbles at happiness, in full flow at grief, a wobbly smile at an emotional movie, sorrow at memories...I cry for love, for the lack of it..I cry for songs and for battlesongs...I cry for symbols of hope, for lost souls...I cry for myself...as I am for who I was and for what will come...I cry for what I want, what I have...I cry because I am loved and I cry because I want to love and yet cannot...I cry as I write, I cry as I think...I am brave and yet I am not...cowardly and yet not...soldier I am and victim the same...words that want to come but will not...smiles I wear that falter when I think...sighs that escape when no one is watching...tears for seeing...mostly I cry because I am alone in feeling what I feel and in being with others I am still alone...I cry for missed opportunities, paths travelled too often, for memories that never were made and happiness unlived...I cry because I can...
but perhaps this was just as well...for where there are tears there must be feeling...for happiness, for grief, for memories, for love and hope, for courage and company, for having and holding, for the past and the future...
For if I cry I am not yet dead...