So i am finally writing about my long planned journey alone...to Europe because I am a coward and don't want to face random trials and tribulations on a holiday! But the key point of that last sentence was ALONE! After 15 years of marriage, 40 years of a vanilla existence I finally decided to have a me-moment. And that resulted in 10 days away from home...not anywhere particularly brave or particularly exotic...Western Europe is nothing if not the antithesis of those two things... but for me, it was more than that...it represented a frontier hitherto unthought, untouched and certainly not breached...
So bear with me while I rewind a bit...
June 2013-June 2014 was a bit of a red-letter year for me...consider this:
Got a job in something I knew nothing about
Kept a job and learnt what I previously knew nothing about
Turned 40
Worked with personal turmoil
Worked through parenting guilt
Came out fine after parental guilt
Didn't resolve personal turmoil
More importantly kids came out fine after parenting guilt
Sold a house
Bought a house
Furnished a house: Only those who have done this in India can appreciate the pain
Moved homes twice: Traumatic anywhere
Moved kids' school
Made random presentations in random situations: Elevator pitch, people? PhDs in Cell biology don't do that sort of thing...Evah...
Learned to commit
More importantly learned to deliver on what I committed to
Discovered kids will learn to love differently but they will still love
Found teaching Hindi is eminently delegat-able and possibly more effective and better for our tempers...
Found an inner peace that allows other people's (even much loved ones) problems to be theirs...
lost weight
gained confidence (not necessarily in that order, but whatever)
Turned 40!
But most importantly I found that I wanted to know who I had become and what I was... kind of a strangely syrupy sentiment but true enough so I am going to let it stand...
The end of this very harrowing year even given my penchant for staying in a constant state of flux, left me drained and seeking direction and unable to find it. I was the proverbial headless chicken crossing the road, except i had no funny answer to that question of why...
So I did the only thing that was guaranteed to give me time to myself without worrying about my kids, my work, my home, deadlines, random chores etc etc... I ran away to a different continent!
So why the discontent you ask? The year was definitely a positive one... lots of changes but good ones...but turning 40 does something to people.. or at least that's what I am telling myself. There's a feeling of something having slipped you by... of bodies not quite bending... of eyesight starting to give just a little... a sense that romance may not happen again (love maybe...but that breath stealing romance? Probably not!)...that children may grow up...that late nights don't quite entice you...that marriages may come and sometimes they may go...that love is sometimes not forever...that an essence that was you can change...
40 seems like a chance to recapture that...or in some cases to change what was past in search of a different narrative...my midlife crisis belongs to that latter sentiment. Turning 40 makes you reflect on what was, what is and what can be (not to be cliched or anything)
And the result of all my reflecting was as follows:
1) I had to change something about my life
2) I wasn't sure of what I wanted to change
3) I had NEVER EVER DONE ONE SINGLE THING THAT WAS PURELY FOR MYSELF...
I had done lots of stuff...for parents...for husband...for job... for kids... because I had to...
but I couldn't think of a single purely selfish act carried out for just my pleasure...
4) If I didn't do something that was clearly completely honest with myself, I ran a real chance of becoming to badly harmed emotionally that I couldn't ever pick up the pieces...
Now this last really scares me...for reasons I won't elaborate here, I have become a cold, hard bitch...it doesn't sit well with me and is not my normal state of being...and worse this cold bitch is slowly seeping into parts of my life that she oughtn't to...only way to stop it is to stay who I am...honest, true and open to hurt...detachment is good, until it isn't...
So I looked at all this and decided that running away and result number 3 needn't be mutually exclusive...and thus begins my story...
Why Europe you ask?
It was to be a lifetime trip to Scandinavia. I've always wanted to see the land of the Vikings...Since my Chandamama days really... I am a child of the 70s ... what can I say!? Land of the midnight sun, Northern lights, near the Arctic!!!, safe, civilized. I have NEVER travelled alone except on work of course... as in I can easily navigate airports and visas and currency exchanges...but what I did not know was if I would be able to navigate a trip with a loose end.. a hanging tag...a promise of nothing to do at the other end...no plans, no conferences, no sights I NEEDED to see, no schedules for kids to take care of...I could literally sit in my room for 24 hours a day and it wouldn't matter...or I could scale the highest mountains and ford the widest rivers, quite in Sound of Music style and that wouldn't matter either...to any one else that is. I had I, ME and MYSELF to plan for! Scary awesome dude!
I had all sorts of criteria:
1) Talk the talk: So it needed to be a place where I could speak the language. I couldn't see myself enjoying myself in a place where I couldn't converse at least passbaly in English or at least undersatdn the signs. Discovering oneself requires a basic understanding of language no? Not to mention a certain peace of mind. Scratch a lot of Eastern Europe, China, Korea, Japan...
2) Be able to walk the walk: Free the mind when there ain't a pickpocket around the corner. Or a mugger or a gun-slinger or a dinosaur or...you get the picture...I needed safe...That ruled out most of the African continent, most of India unfortunately (misogyny is on a rampage in my lovely land), and a lot of Asia and most of South America as well. I wanted a place where for the most part being a woman didn't really make a difference except in the strictest biological sense (or while dancing in a bar, but I digress). Western Europe is lovely for this and Australia and NZ of course.
3) Account for personal prejudice: Scratch Australia...Been there once, done that once and didn't like it once....ceratinly not for a first time alone clear my brain kind of trip...
4) It couldn't be something my kids would be jealous about. Let's face it. My kids are over privileged. Quite like most of their generation. They've been there and done that and pretty much know that they have to be part of every cool thing. And I was going to be leaving them behind. So scratch all lovely beaches and island destinations, Egypt (which also fails the walk the walk test), Morocco (ditto as Egypt), Maldives, Bhutan...the list goes on...
5) Affordable: I had finally taken some radical decisions to enable financial independence and some level of comfort...this trip couldn't break the bank...
6) Good food: While I don't mind salads and pizza and sandwiches in general I like stuff to taste good...
7) Finally, a shallow, selfish, vain, I'm-oh-so-20-still motive...Nice attractive people... taller than me men, strutting and comfortable in heels to work women, everyone looking as though they ought be just who they were... a place where at 5'8" I was average...If someone flirted, I wouldn't mind it too much or I could tell them where to go... scratch most Asia. 5'5 average does nothing for me...
So there I had it: Britain and Western Europe. The chances of revisiting London were high. Kids would like to go. There were friends there. So Western Europe it was. Didn't want to not have kids for Spain, seen too much of Italy, don't like the French all that much (their baked goods though are another matter entirely), only want to see Berlin in Germany...so that left Scandinavia!! Hurray! Vikings right? Marauding barbaric people who were the world's most egalitarian society where women were equal, avearge height about 6', good food in their cities, safe... safe... safe and boring to my kids...perfect! July in Scandinavia it was!
Except it wasn't July. Or Scandinavia. Life and work and duties got in the way. Houses were made ready...shifting homes happened...personal crises needed resolution... Friends wanted to join in...plans didn't coalesce...And then the kids had exams and then and then...my list of obstacles just kept moving down the calendar year and changing shapes... but basically I think I was scared...not sure of what or why...a niggling feeling that this was wrong somehow, perhaps?
So finally after a particularly bad month at work and otherwise, I just said screw this and booked my tickets. Two weeks later in the middle of autumnal, rainy October (around the world it seemed) I was on a plane to Copenhagen, Denmark. Followed by Amsterdam and Brussels...if I couldn't see natural wonders, I would eat my way across Europe...besides Belgian chocolates are the best...eat that Switzerland!
And here begins my story... I'm going to post random things that I've thought about during the trip...some descriptive some abstract all mine... so if you feel interested do read on...can't promise I will be entertaining every single time...But I will be honest :)
Hold on to your hats...we're going for a ride...
So bear with me while I rewind a bit...
June 2013-June 2014 was a bit of a red-letter year for me...consider this:
Got a job in something I knew nothing about
Kept a job and learnt what I previously knew nothing about
Turned 40
Worked with personal turmoil
Worked through parenting guilt
Came out fine after parental guilt
Didn't resolve personal turmoil
More importantly kids came out fine after parenting guilt
Sold a house
Bought a house
Furnished a house: Only those who have done this in India can appreciate the pain
Moved homes twice: Traumatic anywhere
Moved kids' school
Made random presentations in random situations: Elevator pitch, people? PhDs in Cell biology don't do that sort of thing...Evah...
Learned to commit
More importantly learned to deliver on what I committed to
Discovered kids will learn to love differently but they will still love
Found teaching Hindi is eminently delegat-able and possibly more effective and better for our tempers...
Found an inner peace that allows other people's (even much loved ones) problems to be theirs...
lost weight
gained confidence (not necessarily in that order, but whatever)
Turned 40!
But most importantly I found that I wanted to know who I had become and what I was... kind of a strangely syrupy sentiment but true enough so I am going to let it stand...
The end of this very harrowing year even given my penchant for staying in a constant state of flux, left me drained and seeking direction and unable to find it. I was the proverbial headless chicken crossing the road, except i had no funny answer to that question of why...
So I did the only thing that was guaranteed to give me time to myself without worrying about my kids, my work, my home, deadlines, random chores etc etc... I ran away to a different continent!
So why the discontent you ask? The year was definitely a positive one... lots of changes but good ones...but turning 40 does something to people.. or at least that's what I am telling myself. There's a feeling of something having slipped you by... of bodies not quite bending... of eyesight starting to give just a little... a sense that romance may not happen again (love maybe...but that breath stealing romance? Probably not!)...that children may grow up...that late nights don't quite entice you...that marriages may come and sometimes they may go...that love is sometimes not forever...that an essence that was you can change...
40 seems like a chance to recapture that...or in some cases to change what was past in search of a different narrative...my midlife crisis belongs to that latter sentiment. Turning 40 makes you reflect on what was, what is and what can be (not to be cliched or anything)
And the result of all my reflecting was as follows:
1) I had to change something about my life
2) I wasn't sure of what I wanted to change
3) I had NEVER EVER DONE ONE SINGLE THING THAT WAS PURELY FOR MYSELF...
I had done lots of stuff...for parents...for husband...for job... for kids... because I had to...
but I couldn't think of a single purely selfish act carried out for just my pleasure...
4) If I didn't do something that was clearly completely honest with myself, I ran a real chance of becoming to badly harmed emotionally that I couldn't ever pick up the pieces...
Now this last really scares me...for reasons I won't elaborate here, I have become a cold, hard bitch...it doesn't sit well with me and is not my normal state of being...and worse this cold bitch is slowly seeping into parts of my life that she oughtn't to...only way to stop it is to stay who I am...honest, true and open to hurt...detachment is good, until it isn't...
So I looked at all this and decided that running away and result number 3 needn't be mutually exclusive...and thus begins my story...
Why Europe you ask?
It was to be a lifetime trip to Scandinavia. I've always wanted to see the land of the Vikings...Since my Chandamama days really... I am a child of the 70s ... what can I say!? Land of the midnight sun, Northern lights, near the Arctic!!!, safe, civilized. I have NEVER travelled alone except on work of course... as in I can easily navigate airports and visas and currency exchanges...but what I did not know was if I would be able to navigate a trip with a loose end.. a hanging tag...a promise of nothing to do at the other end...no plans, no conferences, no sights I NEEDED to see, no schedules for kids to take care of...I could literally sit in my room for 24 hours a day and it wouldn't matter...or I could scale the highest mountains and ford the widest rivers, quite in Sound of Music style and that wouldn't matter either...to any one else that is. I had I, ME and MYSELF to plan for! Scary awesome dude!
I had all sorts of criteria:
1) Talk the talk: So it needed to be a place where I could speak the language. I couldn't see myself enjoying myself in a place where I couldn't converse at least passbaly in English or at least undersatdn the signs. Discovering oneself requires a basic understanding of language no? Not to mention a certain peace of mind. Scratch a lot of Eastern Europe, China, Korea, Japan...
2) Be able to walk the walk: Free the mind when there ain't a pickpocket around the corner. Or a mugger or a gun-slinger or a dinosaur or...you get the picture...I needed safe...That ruled out most of the African continent, most of India unfortunately (misogyny is on a rampage in my lovely land), and a lot of Asia and most of South America as well. I wanted a place where for the most part being a woman didn't really make a difference except in the strictest biological sense (or while dancing in a bar, but I digress). Western Europe is lovely for this and Australia and NZ of course.
3) Account for personal prejudice: Scratch Australia...Been there once, done that once and didn't like it once....ceratinly not for a first time alone clear my brain kind of trip...
4) It couldn't be something my kids would be jealous about. Let's face it. My kids are over privileged. Quite like most of their generation. They've been there and done that and pretty much know that they have to be part of every cool thing. And I was going to be leaving them behind. So scratch all lovely beaches and island destinations, Egypt (which also fails the walk the walk test), Morocco (ditto as Egypt), Maldives, Bhutan...the list goes on...
5) Affordable: I had finally taken some radical decisions to enable financial independence and some level of comfort...this trip couldn't break the bank...
6) Good food: While I don't mind salads and pizza and sandwiches in general I like stuff to taste good...
7) Finally, a shallow, selfish, vain, I'm-oh-so-20-still motive...Nice attractive people... taller than me men, strutting and comfortable in heels to work women, everyone looking as though they ought be just who they were... a place where at 5'8" I was average...If someone flirted, I wouldn't mind it too much or I could tell them where to go... scratch most Asia. 5'5 average does nothing for me...
So there I had it: Britain and Western Europe. The chances of revisiting London were high. Kids would like to go. There were friends there. So Western Europe it was. Didn't want to not have kids for Spain, seen too much of Italy, don't like the French all that much (their baked goods though are another matter entirely), only want to see Berlin in Germany...so that left Scandinavia!! Hurray! Vikings right? Marauding barbaric people who were the world's most egalitarian society where women were equal, avearge height about 6', good food in their cities, safe... safe... safe and boring to my kids...perfect! July in Scandinavia it was!
Except it wasn't July. Or Scandinavia. Life and work and duties got in the way. Houses were made ready...shifting homes happened...personal crises needed resolution... Friends wanted to join in...plans didn't coalesce...And then the kids had exams and then and then...my list of obstacles just kept moving down the calendar year and changing shapes... but basically I think I was scared...not sure of what or why...a niggling feeling that this was wrong somehow, perhaps?
So finally after a particularly bad month at work and otherwise, I just said screw this and booked my tickets. Two weeks later in the middle of autumnal, rainy October (around the world it seemed) I was on a plane to Copenhagen, Denmark. Followed by Amsterdam and Brussels...if I couldn't see natural wonders, I would eat my way across Europe...besides Belgian chocolates are the best...eat that Switzerland!
And here begins my story... I'm going to post random things that I've thought about during the trip...some descriptive some abstract all mine... so if you feel interested do read on...can't promise I will be entertaining every single time...But I will be honest :)
Hold on to your hats...we're going for a ride...
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